Torn Between Two Parents 👰🤵: The Invisible Wounds of Family Conflict 💔

Phill Armstrong Ngitte Ebolo

10 Feb 2025 — 7 min read

Picture this: You’re eight years old, blissfully eating your breakfast, when suddenly, the kitchen turns into a war zone. Your parents are arguing, again. The tension is so thick you could spread it on toast. Fast forward 15 years, and you still flinch at raised voices, struggle with relationships, or have an unhealthy obsession with avoiding conflict. Sound familiar? If yes, then continue reading

Parental conflict, separation, and divorce leave emotional fingerprints on children’s mental health, their adult life and sometimes so deep they last a lifetime. But how bad is it, really? And more importantly, can parents do better? Buckle up, because we're diving deep into the science, some alarming statistics, and survival strategies. Plus, there's a quick quiz to see where you stand!

How Conflict Messes With Kids' Mental Health 🧠😔 (And Why It’s Not Just "Mommy-Daddy Drama")

It’s no surprise that children pick up on their parents’ emotions like tiny, anxiety-ridden sponges. Parents are sometimes focused too much on their fights that they forget that their kids are like trapped in these vicious cycle and their way of seeing life changes from that point. Did you know that constant exposure to parental conflict can rewire their brains?

1. Anxiety & Depression: The Ghosts of Family Fights Past 😫

Check out these statistics;

Over 45% of children exposed to frequent parental conflict develop clinical anxiety or depression by adulthood (Reynolds et al., 2014).
Children from high-conflict homes have three times the risk of developing mood disorders compared to those from stable families (Harold et al., 2016).

Their nervous systems go into overdrive, making them more sensitive to stress. They don’t just "get over it". Their brains literally adapt to expect chaos.

2. Relationship Struggles: Love, What’s That? 💖🤷‍♀️

60% of adults from high-conflict homes struggle with long-term relationships and show signs of avoidant or anxious attachment styles (Rhoades et al., 2011).
They are twice as likely to experience divorce themselves (Amato, 2000). Because we don't want to repeat the same errors of our parents, hence we run away when red flags pop up in our partners or when feelings seem to fade away.

This can have a disastrous effect on their relationship when they grow older, hence again the same parents will come and say things like " You are too stubborn, I don't understand why you are doing such silly mistakes".

When "love" was modeled as yelling, slamming doors, or silent treatments, healthy communication becomes a foreign language and we instinctively run away from chaos rather than finding means to handle it in a healthy way.

Children from high-conflict homes are twice as likely to drop out of school (Frisco, Muller, & Frank, 2007).
70% of kids who experience divorce or parental separation exhibit behavioral issues (Lansford, 2009).

Some bury themselves in schoolwork as a coping mechanism, while others act out as a cry for help. Some become obsessed to succeed in life to avoid been rejected in the society, completely neglecting to build healthy relationships.

💬 Personal Reflection: My Story (Or Yours?)

I remember lying in bed as a kid, staring at the ceiling, pretending to be asleep while I was asking myself why my family was different. My heart pounded at every time I met my friends at school telling me how happy their mums and dads were. I didn’t know that feeling as I always had to stay strong and understand that I am not like others. But why was our family looking like that, where was dad? was it because of money, work, stress, or just that I was not meant to experience a "perfect happy family with mum and dad?". Don't get me wrong, I had a wonderful childhood and the greatest family of all, but I knew one thing: I felt powerless regarding that particular situation. I just promised myself to experience that life with my own kids.

If you’ve ever been there, you know the feeling. The feeling of incomprehension why things changed so dramatically. The guilt of loving both parents but never knowing which side to stand on. The hope that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow would be different.

Does this sound like you? If so, you’re not alone. And there are ways to break the cycle. But before take the following quiz to determine how these conflicts impacted your life.

Take the Quiz: How Does Conflict Affect You?👨‍👩‍👧‍👦

Think back to your childhood and answer these questions:

Do you struggle with confrontation and avoid conflict at all costs?
Do loud arguments make you feel panicky or overly emotional?
Do you have trouble trusting people in close relationships?
Did you feel responsible for fixing your parents' problems as a child?
Do you feel uncomfortable expressing anger or disappointment?

Results:

0-1 Yes: You probably had a pretty stable environment—congrats!✅🧘‍♀️
2-3 Yes: Parental conflict left some marks, but you’ve got this. 💔💪
4-5 Yes: Your childhood environment might be affecting your adult life more than you realize. 💔😭

The Parent’s Survival Guide: How to Fight Without Scarring Your Kids 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦💖

Okay, parents, this one's for you. If you're going through a rough patch (or a full-blown separation), here’s how to handle it without turning your kid into an emotional wreck: Never forget that all your actions have a direct and indirect impact on your kids upbringing even if they are too young to express their feelings, maybe they don't just have the appropriate words or attitude to let you know that they are suffering as much as you or even more.

1. Argue Smarter, Not Louder 🗣🙅‍♀️

Fighting is normal. HOW you fight is the game-changer. Researchers found that when parents resolve conflicts constructively—stating feelings, listening, and compromising—children feel safer and less stressed (Grych & Fincham, 2001).

✔️ Do: Keep a calm tone, express feelings honestly, and look for solutions.
❌ Don’t: Yell, insult, or use your kid as a messenger in the warzone.

2. Validate, Don’t Sugarcoat ☯✅

Telling kids "everything’s fine" when they can clearly feel the tension doesn’t fool them. Instead, validate their feelings. Say, "I know this is hard, and I understand you feel upset. But no matter what happens, we love you."

s honestly but age-appropriately.
❌ Don’t: Overshare or badmouth the other parent—it’s emotional sabotage.

3. Protect Their Routine Like a Bodyguard 🔐📜

Consistency is their safe space. If separation is happening, keep their routine stable—same school, same bedtime, same taco Tuesdays. Predictability reduces anxiety (Kelly & Emery, 2003).

✔️ Do: Stick to routines, reassure them, and maintain normalcy.
❌ Don’t: Drag them into chaos or make sudden life changes without preparation.

✔️ Do: Answer their question

Don't be afraid to discuss with the kids and let them know that you are going through hard times, you want to make it but will always do things in their best interest because you love them. Say things like " Mum and Dad are going through some troubles but we will still eat jollof rice and water-fufu/eru every Saturday"

4. Get Help Before the Damage is Done 👨‍⚕️👨‍⚖️🕵️‍♂️

You go to the gym for your body, so why not therapy for your mind? Kids benefit hugely from counseling during high-conflict times (Pedro-Carroll, 2010).

✔️ Do: Consider family therapy or a neutral third-party mediator.
❌ Don’t: Assume they’ll "grow out of it"—early intervention is key.

Final Thought: Your Kid is Watching. Be the Role Model They Deserve 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦👍

Children don’t learn from what you tell them. They learn from what you show them. How you handle conflict teaches them how to handle life. You cannot behave in way and expect your kids to behave differently or judge them because they act exactly like you did. This is especially addressed to African parents, PLEASE YOUR KIDS' MENTAL HEALTH ALSO MATTERS AS MUCH AS YOURS. Telling them everyday that "GOD WILL HELP", "CONTINUE PRAYING", "BE A MAN/WOMAN" OR " AT YOUR AGE I MANAGED BETTER THAN YOUB". This is completely unacceptable, your kids did not choose to be born in that family and hence they cannot suffer because you have difficulties to handle your conflicts. Yes, it is difficult to go through conflict and raise kids by the same way, but in the midst of healing, don't forget that your kids also need to heal from all that traumatising situation.

So next time you’re about to throw hands (or insults), take a breath. Think about the little ears listening in. If you can’t do it for your partner, do it for the person who loves you both the most your child.

What’s Your Take? 📱

Have you seen the impact of parental conflict firsthand? Or are you a parent trying to navigate this storm? Share your thoughts in the comments! And if this hit home, subscribe for more real talk about mental health and relationships.

References

Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(4), 1269-1287.
Cummings, E. M., & Davies, P. T. (2010). Marital conflict and children: An emotional security perspective. Guilford Press.
Frisco, M. L., Muller, C., & Frank, K. (2007). Parents’ union dissolution and adolescents’ school performance. Sociology of Education, 80(3), 210-236.
Grych, J. H., & Fincham, F. D. (2001). Interparental conflict and child development: Theory, research, and applications. Cambridge University Press.
Harold, G. T., et al. (2016). Understanding the impact of interparental conflict on children. Child Development Perspectives, 10(3), 131-136.
Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children's adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family Relations, 52(4), 352-362.
Lansford, J. E. (2009). Parental divorce and children's adjustment. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 4(2), 140-152.
Pedro-Carroll, J. L. (2010). Putting children first: Proven parenting strategies for helping children thrive through divorce. Avery.
Rhoades, G. K., et al. (2011). Predicting relationship outcomes from premarital cohabitation. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(2), 211-219.
Reynolds, B. M., et al. (2014). Family conflict and youth internalizing symptoms. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(2), 225-235.